| still working on my personal statement. it's time to throw the towel in and go to bed. i can't think anymore.
i always tell myself i have time. i think i'm abundant with it until i actually realize that it's always, always just runing out.
there's a song that's been stuck in my head, a particular part and every time i feel like this, i play it in my mind, hit the pause. rewind, play. a repeated mantra; eventually it becomes muscle memory until the meaning, the words, everything becomes unintelligible.
anyway, i've been watching clips of next to normal. heartbreakingly gorgeous. can i be in new york now?
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| i'm starting to crack. my insanely unrealistic need to be the best has allowed myself to shoulder an ungodly amount of burden and i can already feel my muscles weakening. i'm straining and trying to carry on, but all i feel is a million muscle fibers dismantle, the bond breaking and i'm ready to collapse. how long does it take to recuperate?
i hate to comply to the side that insists on perfection, i hate to even admit it's existence, but it's there. i can't stand the sight of it, the drop down of it's silhouette. it is familiar. yes. yes it is.
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| i just remembered why i hate math so much.
i can do the material fine on homework, but always feel so empty-headed during tests and quizzes. why is math the only thing that i fuck up at now? it's so ironic because i actually used to be good at the subject. then again, that was algebra, geometry, and algebra II.
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| i'm done. it was great, but then it became too slow. then fucking inane! jesus. but i knew to leave when it got uncomfortable. there's no point in staying if there isn't a click anymore. that's just stupid.
i'm over it.
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